Time To Shiver Your Timbers
Posted on 12 September 2009
Believe it or not, the 19th September is International Talk like a Pirate Day. Well, I don’t know about you, but my grasp of the Pirate language is little better than my grasp of Outer Mongolian. In fact, after the aforesaid, “Shiver me Timbers” my entire vocabulary is reduced to “Heave to, me Hearties”, “ Avast ye below decks” ” That’ll be forty dubloons” and various uses of the word “Ahoy”. Not really something you could write home about, so to speak.
So why do we need an International Talk Like a Pirate Day?
For one very good reason – it’s fun! It gives conversation a swagger, something denied to landlocked lubbers. And it’s seriously silly. The perfect antidote to all the heavyweight issues that are making our current news bulletins so depressing.
However, before we go any further, I should just stress that we’re not suggesting that real Pirates were, or are, anything like the dashing Cap’n Jack Sparrow character portrayed so brilliantly by Johnny Depp in the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy. No, as far as we can tell from our extremely limited research (and believe me “limited” is an extremely accurate description of our research) real Pirates were and are bad eggs. Barbaric, reprehensible, cut-throat. And on account of their ill-balanced rations and lack of hygeine – smelly and foul-mouthed to boot. Certainly not a person to aspire to. So not really a sound career or lifestyle choice
So what is it exactly that we’re celebrating, if not pirates? What, you’re wondering, is the point? The point is, there is no point. And that’s what’s fun about International Talk Like a Pirate Day specifically, and talking like a pirate in general.
TIME TO PRACTICE YOUR SWAGGER AND BASIC LINGO
To prepare you for Saturday 19th, here’s five basic “Pirate Patina” terms. Master them, and you can face Talk Like a Pirate Day with a smile on your face and a parrot on your shoulder - if that’s your thing.
Ahoy! “Hello!”
Avast! – Stop and give attention. It can be used as a sense of surprise, “Whoa! Get a load of that!” which makes it more of a “Check it out” or “No way!” or “Get off!”
Aye! – “Why yes, I agree most heartily with everything you just said or did.”
Aye aye! – “I’ll get right on that sir, as soon as my break is over.”
Arrr! - Not to be confused with arrrgh which is, of course, the sound you make when you sit on a cutlass. “Arrr!” can mean, variously, “yes,” “I agree,” “I’m happy,” “I’m enjoying this beer,” “My team is going to win it all,” “I saw that television show, it sucked!” and “That was a clever remark you or I just made.”
ADVANCED PIRATE LINGO
Once you’ve mastered the basics, you’re ready to start expanding your pirate vocabulary. Try these for starters
Beauty – The best possible pirate address for a woman. Always preceded by “me,” as in, “C’mere, me beauty,” or, if the wench is well-endowed, “Me buxom beauty!”
Bilge rat – The bilge is the lowest level of the ship. It’s loaded with ballast and slimy, reeking water. A bilge rat, then, is a rat that lives in the worst place on the ship. On ITLAP Day it’s cool to insult your mateys to prove your friendship. It’s important that everyone recognises the fact that you are smarter, more powerful and much luckier with the wenches than they are. Since bilge rat is a pretty dirty thing to call someone, use it only on your friends.
Bung hole – Victuals on a ship were stored in wooden casks. The stopper in the barrel is called the bung, and the hole is called the bung hole. That’s all. Sounds a lot worse, doesn’t it? On ITLAP Day – When dinner is served you’ll make quite an impression when you say, “Well, me hearties, let’s see what crawled out of the bung hole.” That statement will be instantly followed by the sound of people putting down their utensils and pushing themselves away from the table. Great! More for you!
Grog – An alcoholic drink, usually rum diluted with water, but in this context you could use it to refer to any alcoholic beverage. If some prissy pedant purses his lips and protests the word grog can only be used if drinking rum and water - not the Singapore Sling you’re holding - keelhaul him!
Hornpipe – Both a single-reeded musical instrument sailors often had aboard ship, and a spirited dance that sailors do. ?”
Lubber – (or land lubber) This is the seaman’s version of land lover, mangled by typical pirate disregard for elocution. A lubber is someone who does not go to sea, who stays on the land. More likely than not, you are a lubber 364 days of the year. But not on ITLAP Day if you’re talking like a pirate! Then the word lubber becomes one of the more fierce weapons in your arsenal of piratical lingo. In a room where everyone is talking like pirates, lubber is ALWAYS an insult.
Smartly – Do something quickly. On TLAP Day – “Smartly, me lass,” you might say when sending the bar maid off for another round. She will be so impressed she might well spit in your beer.
TOP MALE PIRATE PICKUP LINES
I’ve sailed the seven seas, and you’re the sleekest schooner I’ve ever sighted.
Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly??
Come on up and see me urchins.
Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.
Well blow me down!
Prepare to be boarded.
Wanna shiver me timbers?
That’s the finest pirate booty I’ve ever laid eyes on.
Let’s get together and haul some keel.
That’s some treasure chest you’ve got there.
TOP PICKUP LINES FOR LADY PIRATES
What are YOU doing here?
Is that a cutlass in yer britches, or are ye … (this one is never completed)
Come show me how ye bury yer treasure, lad!
That’s quite a cutlass ye got thar, what ye need is a good scabbard!
Aye, I guarantee ye, I’ve had a twenty percent decrease in me “lice ratio!”
I’ve crushed seventeen men’s skulls between me thighs!
C’mon, lad, shiver me timbers!
What’s your ramming speed?
Naturally, MAJ couldn’t let this momentous day pass without marking the occasion in our own inimitable way. By offering an appropriate piece of jewellery at less doubloons than usual. With this in mind, me Hearties, for the 19th September only, the esteemed Sterling Silver Swarovski Crystal Skullduggery earrings will be on sale at just £15.99 a pair! (£9 OFF) And since skulls are dead fashionable anyway, that’s surely an offer you’ll treasure!
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